Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Reflections II- Are we a regressive society?

Lately I have been thinkig a lot about evolution. Is it a form of development or just a new skin added over the old psyche. After all , all living beings are bound by the same to instincts- food and sex. I can't think of a third thing. And we regress or progress, only to serve these two functions.
It all started when I saw patients at the clinic, with problems related to dowry, and incessant demands by in laws for money. I wondered if my scowling at the regressive afternoon soaps was after all my own ignorance.
I hadnot seen it happening around me untill recently when I found one closest to me getting married into a family that made demands all in the name of the society;"hamari society mein yeh chalta hai," and 'aapki izzat, hamari izzat". Till now, I thought demanding behaviour was cheap and passe', not really an 'izzat wala" thing, well I was so wrong. Adding insult to the injury were the very family members of the girl's side, agreeing to the demands echoing the same sentiment,'aajkal society mein yeh chalta hai'. 'Aaj yeh chalta hai to kal kya chalta tha..........aur parson.....aur Raja Ram mohan Rai ke zaane mein?" At the risk of sounding cliche', if we just let things be for the sake of society, how will the society progress?
But then, does it ever progress! Its like growing up with ego scattered all over the psychosexual stages to overcome the conflicts- dont interpret as english- I am talking Freudian psychology. Any major stress and one regresses back to primitive methods to deal with them, so cry or shout- isnt this what a neonate does!
Recently someone's parent in law lashed out at the daughter in law because of what a relative from her side had done to upset him..........basically the relatives should have understood their status as "ladki walas" and followed the general rule of not offending the "ladka walas". This is a family that leaves no opportunity to display their disapproval of the society's way of following rules beyond one's convenience to the extent that attending someone's death ceremony is a useless act because "we have a busy schedule", so what the drama was all about? Regression to a primitive mode- aggression. And what for- because this time the absentees were from the girl's side!
But what finally happens in most such cases is that the ego battles of the older inviduals makes the younger ones take sides and end up complicating their lives. Where true maturity would mean understanding each others limitations as humans and not imposing ones wishes on the others, younger members learn to do the opposite. Push, impose, force and end up having dissatisfactory bad relationships. That hasn't changed over the years, so what's the fraud about developing/ progressing/ reaching extra terrestrial space.
I wrote a story in 8th standard, 'dhobi ka kutta", about the plight of woman who finds no sense of belonging at either her parent's place because she has to finally get married and leave them, nor at the husband's place where she is seen as an outsider. For a long time, I thought it had lost its relevance. Not any more.........may be someone will publish it this time.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Fear Psychology

Somewhere through the dungeons of mind a noise comes and holds me still, rooted to the ground.
I am afraid to call out or look around, its the primal fear of the unknown. I have to understand the meaning in everything I come across, to feel secure in my knowledge of the environment I dwell in- inside and out. I am afraid of getting lost and not finding the way back home. I am afraid of being left alone even if its the solitude I desire, in unfamiliar surroundings. In my fear, I presume all mysteries to be threatening - be it the aliens or the occult. I presume and get entangled in a web of my own creation, a world of my own negative expectations and I make ghosts come alive. Then I draw my weapons and am ready to fight- against an enemy I have invented.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Introspections- II

Its a different experience altogether when one gets to talk to a very very old friend. He is not a stranger but still someone new. But the diallemma is beyond the newness- for a new individual, the pages are blank; for an old friend, their is faded dont know what the incomplete sentences mean, you only presume and then you find new meanings, new interpretations. Its like discovering an ancestral past but not quite. There is the individual you thought you knew but still somehow different. No its not the experience or the maturity- its the perspective. I can't seem not to think about 'The Pepper Tree', from the english reader in school- how the memories of bygone era (read childhood) tend to be coloured by the innocence of that era. The past is glorious because we expect it to be better than the present.
We all want to revert back to it sometime in future, to complete the cycle of life. Only the future isnt the past-it is the future only.

Monday, September 27, 2010


Finally Ive Found You
Talk to me
in silence
through the demure quiver
of my physical being
in my conscience as I struggle
to let you stay
and cry
Listen to me
in the turmoil
of raging battles
without arguements
the sounds of soul
as it sounds

then we communicate!

Sunday, August 22, 2010


There is a deep disturbing sense of un ease..........we call it anxiety............we (read Freudians) say everything is anxiety and we attach meanings to it and then give it names- fear/sadness/nervousness/anger/excitement etc. etc. Its the import attached to the feeling and it can be either negative or positive. If we break everything down to basics, that's how simple it gets. But does it help? In my sessions with my patients, I work on the principal that if I make a phenomena simple, it makes life simpler, easy to understand.........and perhaps easy to live with!
But why do we complicate life; argue and not accept; prove and dis approve; rationalise and justify. Yes, we call it defense mechanism. We defend ourselves from perceived threats inside and outside. This unrest; this unease is primal to our being; like instinct...........

"A fierce unrest seethes at the core,
Of all existing things,
It was the eager wish to soar,
That gave the gods their wings."
 Don Marquis

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I am trying to find inspiration............I am looking, there, everywhere...........I even searched the dictionary. Not that I have nothing else to do...........why did I refrain from writing "nothing better to do", its odd when you look at yourself from a neutral perspective. But that is what I tell people (read patients) to do. I guess the profession becomes your life after a while. I  am still looking for an inspiration.......but work comes in the way. It takes place of the inspiration and makes all ideas monotonous. Is that the natural progression of every human mind- perhaps that is aging, when thoughts get narrowed down to few topics, we start loosing the faculty called imagination to venture through unknown terrains, and end up being obsessive/stubborn/orthodox...........un inspired!
If Alzhiemer's can be tackled by doing Sudoku, senile stubbornness should be dealt with by practicing fantasy is a thought!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Beyond denial

what is it
the deep ach
deep inside
like the cry of a very small baby
far far away
drowned in the noise around
as the heart skips a beat
it fades away
but leaves something familiar
an emotion
I can't identify
I can't deny

Sunday, August 8, 2010


a blank page
lots of ink
and i know not what to do
flush it away
flash it out loud
or just write through
the block is gone
but the block's still there
my mind is like a zoo
did I just wake up
or went into a dream
it may make no sense
but its true
reality is a belief
concieved in the mind
"I", " me", "mine"
 not you
so let me just be
to just be me
or I am neither me
nor you!

Friday, August 6, 2010

the dilemma

shall i hold on
or let go
the moments so long ago
that bring the notion of loss
if i let go
i wont know
what i had
that is now gone
if i let go
i forego the right
to be part of a  moment
that i treasure
if i let go
i loose the hope
the memory rides on
if i let go
i let go of the nagging pain
in favour of the shroud
of numbness
indifferent to the highs and lows
floating over the timeless ocean
would that be bliss?

Thursday, August 5, 2010

being with you......

being with you.......
is like being encaptured to a different world
a world without boundaries
without rules
without care
as you sit across me
smiling that mischievous smile
a flutter rises in my heart
and reaches the throat
no words will come out
but there is the echo in my head
feelings jumping for expression
they must be reflecting through my eyes
because your smile is now tender
not mischievous
as you look through me
into my hidden world
i am speechless but not mute
beyond a million words
I have conveyed
and you heard...........

Monday, August 2, 2010

Lost again.......

lost again for so long
still  it all seems the same
inside me and outside
sorrow, joy, pain

rain that doesn't fall
sky that wont turn blue
roads that never end
lies that won't come true

its a narrow dark tunnel
I have been walking for too long
a ray of light, a whiff of wind
carries me along

dreary, old and humid
 it goes on and on
walk ahead or settle down
laugh out loud or groan

even if I fall asleep
I wake up everyday
hoping that the pain will end
or the soul will find its way

trapped in the practicalities
not knowing who to reach
life is a lonely journey
so who am I to preach

I struggle to get up and run
there is light I can see
even if it flickered away
I still have to believe.....

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

My non reality

you are not real....
I whisper to myself
you are the fantasy
concieved by me
born of my dreams
far away
from the winds of the real world
that makes them
you are the warmth
that fills my heart
in times of strife
the light
at the end of the dark tunnel
how can you be real
donot be

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Cant sleep......... someone is playing a song. I cant hear the words clearly but I like the music. Somehow a serenity is enveloping my being. Its ok, if I cant sleep....I do not want to. At his point of time .... its like the time is standing still. There is a pleasant emptiness in the head and I do not want to decipher it.....just let it be the way it is...vague....timeless.....calm.

Is this the end or the beginning of something?

Well, it is Saturday night!