Reflections

There is a deep disturbing sense of un ease..........we call it anxiety............we (read Freudians) say everything is anxiety and we attach meanings to it and then give it names- fear/sadness/nervousness/anger/excitement etc. etc. Its the import attached to the feeling and it can be either negative or positive. If we break everything down to basics, that's how simple it gets. But does it help? In my sessions with my patients, I work on the principal that if I make a phenomena simple, it makes life simpler, easy to understand.........and perhaps easy to live with!
But why do we complicate life; argue and not accept; prove and dis approve; rationalise and justify. Yes, we call it defense mechanism. We defend ourselves from perceived threats inside and outside. This unrest; this unease is primal to our being; like instinct...........

"A fierce unrest seethes at the core,

Of all existing things,
It was the eager wish to soar,

That gave the gods their wings."

 Don Marquis

Introspection

I am trying to find inspiration............I am looking around...............here, there, everywhere...........I even searched the dictionary. Not that I have nothing else to do...........why did I refrain from writing "nothing better to do", its odd when you look at yourself from a neutral perspective. But that is what I tell people (read patients) to do. I guess the profession becomes your life after a while. I  am still looking for an inspiration.......but work comes in the way. It takes place of the inspiration and makes all ideas monotonous. Is that the natural progression of every human mind- perhaps that is aging, when thoughts get narrowed down to few topics, we start loosing the faculty called imagination to venture through unknown terrains, and end up being obsessive/stubborn/orthodox...........un inspired!
If Alzhiemer's can be tackled by doing Sudoku, senile stubbornness should be dealt with by practicing fantasy thinking..............here is a thought!

Beyond denial

what is it
the deep ach
deep inside
like the cry of a very small baby
far far away
drowned in the noise around
as the heart skips a beat
it fades away
but leaves something familiar
an emotion
I can't identify
I can't deny

Blank!

a blank page
lots of ink
and i know not what to do
flush it away
flash it out loud
or just write through
the block is gone
but the block's still there
my mind is like a zoo
did I just wake up
or went into a dream
it may make no sense
but its true
reality is a belief
concieved in the mind
"I", " me", "mine"
 not you
so let me just be
to just be me
or I am neither me
nor you!

the dilemma

shall i hold on
or let go
the moments so long ago
that bring the notion of loss
if i let go
i wont know
what i had
that is now gone
if i let go
i forego the right
to be part of a  moment
that i treasure
if i let go
i loose the hope
the memory rides on
if i let go
i let go of the nagging pain
in favour of the shroud
of numbness
indifferent to the highs and lows
floating over the timeless ocean
would that be bliss?

being with you......

being with you.......
is like being encaptured to a different world

a world without boundaries

without rules

without care

as you sit across me

smiling that mischievous smile

a flutter rises in my heart

and reaches the throat

no words will come out

but there is the echo in my head

feelings jumping for expression

they must be reflecting through my eyes

because your smile is now tender

not mischievous
as you look through me
into my hidden world
i am speechless but not mute
beyond a million words
I have conveyed
and you heard...........

Lost again.......

lost again for so long
still  it all seems the same
inside me and outside
sorrow, joy, pain

rain that doesn't fall
sky that wont turn blue
roads that never end
lies that won't come true

its a narrow dark tunnel
I have been walking for too long
a ray of light, a whiff of wind
carries me along

dreary, old and humid
 it goes on and on
walk ahead or settle down
laugh out loud or groan

even if I fall asleep
I wake up everyday
hoping that the pain will end
or the soul will find its way

trapped in the practicalities
not knowing who to reach
life is a lonely journey
so who am I to preach

I struggle to get up and run
there is light I can see
even if it flickered away
I still have to believe.....